Whispers in the Grass: The Scariest Moment of October......

was NOT October 31st with a trip to the local haunted farm and two of the three kids trick or treating without adult supervision.
wasn’t the BLIZZARD warning one county north of us.
wasn’t the $322 trip to the Walmart for a week’s worth of groceries.
wasn’t even the moment that Katie came home from school and announced that she and some punk named Ryan are “GOING OUT”. For the record I am sure he is a very nice young man...but if he is “going out” with my 6th grade daughter, he’s a punk.

No, the scariest moment this month was when this was deposited in my laundry room.

It had been so long since I had seen this bag that I hardly recognized it. I was (somewhat) politely informed that the contents needed to be laundered and returned to school the following day.

I was afraid, very afraid. Mostly because I hadn't seen the bag or its contents for one very long football season.

I examined the bag tentatively. If someone had been watching the scene play out in a horror moving they would have been yelling, “Don’t open the bag! Don’t open the bag!” But, of course, I opened the bag. I couldn’t help it. In an attempt to delay the inevitable, I started with the side pockets.

Four empty bottles....”Not too bad” I thought to myself.

And then I caught a glimpse of this.

Umm, helloooooooooo? You paid $2.12 for a 32 ounce bottle of soda??? Are you kidding me? Whose son are you? Haven’t I raised you any better than this? You could buy 4 liters of soda for that price at the Walmart!

Once the shock of the overpriced gas station soda wore off, I moved on to the main compartment of the gym bag.

It wasn’t any prettier.

No, the team does not wear pink football pants. But, do you see it? The pink? Do you know what that is? Some sort of pink mildew. Eeeeeeeewwwww!

And just as the ingenue in the horror movies, I predictably continued down the dark path.

Okay, these don’t look too bad.....until I remember how much I paid for them just three short months ago. And realize that they will never be worn again because even though they are a size 13, by next season, they will be too small and have to be replaced by an equally expensive, short-lived pair of cleats.

Oh, wait, what is that? UnderArmour? Hmmm....that shirt is black and was only worn on the coldest of days so maybe it will be okay.

And then I remember....we live in North Dakota now and have already had more than a few “coldest of days” including TWO snowfalls, one of which occurred when it was technically still summer.

“What on earth is that?" I think to myself.

I know what it looks like, but don’t worry, it is not an athletic supporter for a cup. In fact, that is the one item that was NOT in the football bag. No, the boy has decided to risk MY future grandchildren in favor of being looking cool and tough. Apparently the motto of the 8th grade football team is not something inspiring like:

Keep Your Eye on the Prize,

No Regrets,

Iron Sharpens Iron,

Commitment to Excellence,

Guard the Yard,

We Make Nightmares Come to Reality,

We Break Ours, So We Can Kick Yours, or

All You Got. All the Time.

No, they have exchanged the traditional for the truly stupid.

Real Men Don’t Wear Cups

I digress. Back to the football bag. And what exactly is that messy tangle of white, grey, brown, pink?

Yep. A nasty t-shirt with the sleeves cut off covered in that same pink mold and what looks like tread marks. This was worn under his pads EVERY SINGLE DAY OF THE SEASON FOR PRACTICE! Uggghhhhhhhh.... straight to the trash.

Thankfully, that brought me to the bottom of the bag.

I have never seen my washing machine on such a long cycle before. Yes, two hours and fifteen minutes. And I am not even going to mention the amount of Spray and Wash I used.